The last few weeks have been full of change! Some changes, like waiting to hear if the husband will receive a job offer from the Police Department, are hard. Other changes, like our daughter sleeping 10 hours stretches the last four days, have been a blessing! We have rearranged our house several times lately, adding and removing furniture as we strive to furnish our new house and make it feel like “home.”
We My husband painted our daughter’s room twice in the last month because the color wasn’t the right shade of pink. I’ve moved lamps back and forth between three different rooms. But that change is measly.
Some changes are so heavy they feel like they’re literally putting pressure on our hearts. This job transition weighs heavily on me, this week especially. It affects almost every area of our life as we think through how being a different type of law enforcement family is going to affect everyone. Am I going to start carrying a gun? Will my husband’s schedule be even more sporadic? Will he still have some weekends off? Will being a cop change his personality at all? How will that affect our marriage? Deep conversations are happening, y’all, and it’s scary.
The scariest part – the part I wasn’t ready for – is having to prepare myself for loss… the ultimate loss. And that’s not an easy thing to do. I’m realizing that this is an area of my marriage the Lord might have been trying to work on for a while, but it wasn’t obvious to me until now.
Every day is a gift from God, and we know they are numbered (Psalm 144:4). In the back of our minds we know we should be ready to meet Christ at any moment, for he will come like a thief in the night (II Peter 3:10). But I don’t live like that in my day-to-day; do you? There have been so many times in my short period of being married that I have left the house angry with my husband, not to apologize until hours later. Many nights we’ve committed the forewarned “going to bed angry,” just to wake up angry and bitter. All of these memories flood my mind as I think about how easy it is to get caught up in the worldly mindset of “I’ll fix it tomorrow.” We are not guaranteed tomorrow (James 4:14), so why would we put off something as important as fixing a problem area in our marriage to a day that might not come? Knowing that my husband could be gone at any moment challenges me to see these issues from an eternal perspective and focus more on our eternal lives than our fleeting earthly ones.
In Francis Chan’s new book “You and Me Forever: Marriage in the Light of Eternity” he says, “Christ calls us to cultivate marriages that represent Him accurately.” He uses marriage to shout His message to the world. That calling carries a ton of weight. I can’t even begin to tell you how to go about living this just yet – but I do know that representing Christ in this situation means taking my husband off of any pedestal he might have been cast on, and lowering him to a level beneath God, where he rightfully belongs. As I prepare for the future, however long or short that might be, and the change it will bring, I can rest assured that the Lord knows my battles and he has fought them already – I just need to show up.